Loving Myself Has Never Been So Hard

Loving Myself Has Never Been So Hard

My body no longer feels like mine.

June 2017 I had a large endometriosis cyst removed from my ovary found during my miscarriage. That August, I cleaned up my diet, started taking herbal remedies and dropped 30 pounds. Despite having scars that I had to get used to seeing daily and painful flare-ups, I loved being in my body. My pain and flare-ups were greatly reduced over time thanks to being lighter and eating cleaner. I felt healthy for the first time in years.

But then I got sick again.

June 2018 saw me back in the hospital. The endometriosis had affected my urinary tract and another cyst was growing. I was put on the depo shot and a stent placed in my ureter. 4 months and another depo shot later, I had my right ovary removed, the damaged portion of my ureter removed, bladder moved to accommodate the shortened tube, more scars, another stent and a catheter. After almost a week at the hospital, I went home with the catheter removed 15 days post-surgery and the stent removed at around the 6 week mark. My surgery was at the end of October and I still feel broken. I almost wet the bed the first night without the catheter. I still have to make sure I attempt to pee every hour I'm awake or risk intense stomach pains as I don't get the normal urge to go. My now smaller bladder also doesn't hold as much, something that sucks when you drink as much water as I do. I can't drive for more than an hour without needing a bathroom break. Oh and thanks to now 3 depo shots, I've gained 23 pounds back because I'm constantly hungry no matter what I eat. I have a hard time looking at my body and finding something to love about it.

But I'm trying.

I'm trying to eat healthier foods so even if I snack a lot, it's on more nutrient dense foods. I exercise lightly every day to build muscle tone (I can only do so much at once without risking a flare-up). I've cut back on sugar consumption and drink an extra glass of water for every non-water I drink. I'm taking my serrapeptase again to help break down the endo and scar tissue from surgery. I'm tuning into my spiritual side more. I'm singing and dancing around again. I tell myself I love myself and body.

But it's hard.

I still cringe when I have to take a shower or change in front of a mirror. I hate how clothes fit me again. I hate how short my hair still is (I cut it very short before surgery due to dye and hormone damage). I hate how dark my under eyes and natural hair color are. I start the day feeling my age or older (verses younger like I used to) and feel even older as the day goes on.

But I'm trying.

Every day I am trying to fall back in love with myself and body. And that's all I can really ask of myself, to try.

Until next time my lovelies!

-M

Check out more Endometriosis posts or Health & Wellness posts like this.

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